And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors…. For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.
— Matthew 6:12, 14-15
Following the Call—Chap. 36: As We Forgive
Last week, while at prayer, I suddenly discovered—or felt as if I did—that I had really forgiven someone I have been trying to forgive for over thirty years. Trying, and praying that I might. When the thing actually happened—sudden as the longed-for cessation of one’s neighbor’s radio—my feeling was “But it’s so easy. Why didn’t you do it ages ago?”
— C. S. Lewis
The Will to Forgive
The human condition is an enigma. Even when we know something is good for us we often refuse to do it. Like forgiving. We know we should forgive, as Jesus commands, and may even want to forgive, but we find ourselves unable to. But then, all of a sudden, something changes. Our hearts are free! It’s like C. S. Lewis describes: It’s so easy; why did it take ages to do so?
To forgive from the heart, especially when one has been terribly hurt, is a gift and a mystery. This is partly because forgiveness transcends our sense of fairness. It also challenges our pride. There’s a fine line between, “I can’t forgive,” and “I won’t forgive.” As Philip Yancey observes, “We nurse sores, go to elaborate lengths to rationalize our behavior, perpetuate family feuds, punish ourselves, punish others—all to avoid this most unnatural act” (What’s So Amazing About Grace). Either way, to forgive involves as much a choice on our part as it does a work of grace on God’s part.
But still, what are we to do when we can’t forgive or are unwilling to do so? Is there anything that can help the seed of forgiveness grow in us?
One thing I have found helpful is to be clear about what forgiveness actually involves. Sometimes we can’t forgive because we are confused about what forgiveness means; we try to do what we are not meant to do. For example, to forgive does not mean to deny the hurt we feel. In fact, without naming our pain we won’t be able to begin the forgiveness process. Sometimes the one who hurts us is the one we love most. It is hard to acknowledge the truth that this very person could do such a wrong. But we must.
Another thing forgiveness is not is forgetting. Forgiveness removes only the pain of injury, not the memory of it. “You may recall the hurt,” writes David W. Augsburger, “but you do not have to relive it. The hornet of memory may fly again, but forgiveness has drawn its sting” (The Freedom of Forgiveness). It’s not the past that we need to be freed from, but the stronghold the past has had on us.
Sometimes we think that forgiveness demands letting someone off the hook. We instinctively react against this, and rightly so. To forgive involves recognizing the moral wrong committed, otherwise there would be no pain and nothing to forgive. Forgiveness judges a wrong action as wrong, but it also refuses to condemn the wrongdoer. Forgiveness sides with the offender’s dignity instead of their wrongdoing. They, like us, can begin again. The good news is that the offender and the victim can both become free.
Finally, forgiveness is not the same thing as reconciling. If we think that forgiveness will set everything right we’ll either be severely disappointed or risk becoming angrier. Forgiving a wrongdoer is no guarantee that things will be mended. It takes two to restore a relationship. To forgive from our side frees us, but the person we forgive may, for whatever reason, still be out of reach.
Stories Help
Hearing and reading the stories of others who have struggled to forgive can be a great source of strength and hope. This is why I recommend Johann Christoph Arnold’s book Why Forgive? to anyone I meet who can’t seem to forgive. Every story is different, but each one describes the healing power of forgiveness. Whether we are able to forgive quickly or, like C. S. Lewis, only after a long period of time, forgiveness is possible. It’s a power like no other.
This and other blog entries can be found at www.joyderrick.org/blog
Relationship with God is personal, but not private. It is intended to be shared. Our spiritual health is real when we delight in a relationship with God and share this joy with others. Please send your own devotion, prayer or apolitical thoughts to joycemderrick@gmail.com to be shared with your WELCA sisters, one a day in the order in which they are received.